Tom Brady Announces Retirement from Marriage, Says “13 Years is Hard on the Body”

Tampa, FL- At a highly anticipated press conference on Thursday afternoon former Patriots and current Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement–no, not that retirement–his retirement from his marriage. Brady started the conference with a short intro stating, “Sometimes the important things in life need to be put first. I’ve played this game for a long time and it has taken a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally,” he continued, “Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but the lessons I have learned are invaluable as I move forward in life. Unfortunately, I cannot keep putting myself through the daily grind anymore. I can’t keep putting the stress on myself that this requires,” Brady stated, staring down at the podium, visibly sad. “I noticed myself getting up every morning and looking forward to everything outside of this. When I lost my love and passion for this, that was when I knew it was time to hang it up,” he paused as cameras began to flash and click, “Today, I am retiring from my marriage of 13 years.”

Gasps and chatter echoed through the Buccaneers media room as Brady took questions, “Tom, what about football?” a reporter asked. “Football?” Brady smirked, “Football is my true love, why would I retire from doing something I love?” “Subjecting myself to the brutality of marriage day in and day out was just something I couldn’t handle anymore. It was to the point where my marriage was taking my focus off football, and that’s just unacceptable.” 

“So are you moving out of the house, Tom?” A reporter questioned. “That’s a little personal but I’m sure you’ll find out one way or another,” Brady continued, “I am actually going to be permanently moving into the east side suites on the 40 yard line here at Raymond James Stadium. It’s the perfect scenario for me, I can wake up and water the field, go down and raid the concession stands if I get hungry, I can even go shoot off the cannons on the pirate ship if I want. It’s everything a divorced quarterback could ever dream of.” 

As all members of the media stared at one another in disbelief Brady concluded the conference with an invite for all media to join him in his “new crib” to celebrate his divorce and play Madden 18 “till the sun comes up.”

For more on this interview, subscribe to the premium membership we offer here at The Offended American, where today’s jokes are tomorrow’s headlines.