To Prove It’s Safe, Ohio Governor Mike DeWine Bongs Water From Ohio River

East Palestine, Ohio- It has been 3 weeks since the East Palestine train derailment and concerns over the safety of the drinking water in East Palestine continue to grow. Viral video of dead fish in the rainbow colored, murky waters of the Ohio River have only heightened concerns that the river water is not safe.

Ohio Governor Mike DeWine has been working hard to reassure Ohio residents and concerned Americans across the country that the water is indeed safe. Concerns that the water will flow into the Mississippi River, contaminating water resources for millions of people, has made this a national concern.

With pressure from the government to put an end to the fears across the country, Governor DeWine has taken matters into his own hands. “This water is safe, folks!” he exclaimed with his pants rolled up as he stood knee-deep in the waters off the banks of the Ohio River, “And just to prove it to you, I’m taking a journey back to my college days!”

The Governor appeared to be holding a beer bong over his head in his left hand while giving the “Rock On” sign with his right hand. “I am going to bong this water like it’s Natty Light on a Saturday night!” he shouted with an uneasy look on his face, “Come on! Make some noise!” The few reporters and EPA agents that were on hand for this announcement started to slowly clap, looking confusingly at each other as DeWine filled the funnel of the bong. 

“3! 2! 1!” he shouted as he released all of the contents of the funnel into his mouth, only spilling a small amount that dripped down his cheeks. The Governor then began to dry heave as he dropped the beer bong, still showing the “Rock On” sign with his right hand. He then surprisingly passed out into the river as reporters rushed to pull him to shore.

The cameras cut away and we have no reports yet of the Governor's condition but will keep you informed as we hear more. In the meantime we recommend not beer bong-ing water from the Ohio River, or any river for that matter.