Starbucks To Auction Off Baristas To Live In Your House With You

Seattle, WA- In a somewhat surprising announcement this week, coffee superchain Starbucks has announced they will begin hiring out baristas to come live in your house with you.

The massive company said in a statement that they have run out of places to put their stores in most metropolitan areas and don’t want to cannibalize their existing locations. “We have a store within 500 feet of every other store in most major cities in the U.S., so it just makes sense that we begin to ‘rent out’ our employees,” explained spokesman Ryan Davenport.

Davenport explained the new process they have been testing in cities like Los Angeles and Miami that actually allows employees to be “Auctioned off.” “That’s true, and we’ve seen very positive results from these cities where we’ve been testing the Starbucks Auction Block,” he said, “It brings more people into our stores and it creates a very fun atmosphere as well.”

Our Offended American staff got to attend a Starbucks Auction Party (SAP) and it was quite an event. Each store will have a SAP every Monday and Thursday morning. The SAP’s are very much like a livestock auction where they will bring out an employee and display them for everyone to see, the employee will then make a cold beverage and a hot beverage as the bidders judge them on time and taste. 

The auctioneer will then begin the bidding and this is where things get intense. Bidders were raising their auction boards and shouting over other bidders as arguments and small fights broke out. The winning bid for the top barista was a whopping $1,750 for 2 days of their expert coffee making at the winners house. The ‘bottom barista,’ who spilled a cold brew on his apron during his display, still claimed a bid of $947 for 2 days of work. 

Davenport did mention that Starbucks takes 85% of the employees earnings but the employee gets to keep any tips earned during their work at the bidders house.

Keep it here for more updates as Starbucks continues to push this new business model across the country.