New Study: Fathers That Force Children To Play Sports Are Making Up For Own Lack Of Athleticism

Columbus, OH- In a new study done this week by the Institute for Shitty Parenting (ISP), researchers have now concluded that parents and fathers in particular, that force their children to play sports are doing it solely based on their own lack of athleticism.

“It’s very similar to the study of the correlation between men that have big trucks having tiny penises,” Dr. Rolf Gerwig explained, “It is based on pure fact.” He is referring to a study done by the Men’s Overcompensation Institute in 2018, which states that “Men with penises under 4 inches long while erect are certain to have at least a 6-8 inch lift on their trucks to overcompensate for their lack of penile length.”

Dr. Gerwig elaborated on his explanation by saying that “Much like the men with tiny penises, fathers that sucked at sports at a young age are going to find some way to overcompensate for their lack of ability, and unfortunately that typically comes in the form of taking it out on their son or daughter by forcing them to play sports they don’t necessarily want to play.”

“Throughout this study, we interviewed over 140 fathers with varying degrees of athletic ability,” Gerwig continued, “Focusing specifically on how they perceived their experience as a young athlete,” Gerwig explained that all fathers were hooked up to lie detectors to ensure their honesty about their ability as a young athlete. 

“Then we interviewed their children that were playing sports, and that was when it got interesting,” Gerwig explained, “The fathers that sucked the worst at sports when they were young had the most miserable children in the study. Some children said their fathers would make them throw a ball until their fingers bled, or even tase them for every strike or goal they missed in a game or practice; pretty sick stuff.”

Of the 140 fathers that were randomly selected, Gerwig told us that 132 of them were confirmed to be unathletic fathers taking shit out on their kids. Are you an unathletic parent who is taking shit out on your kids? Do you know someone who is? Tell us in the comments so we can call them out and make fun of them. The Offended American, where today’s jokes are tomorrow’s news.