Man Wakes from 2019 Coma, Asks to be Put Back into Coma

Davenport, IA- In May of 2019, local Davenport resident Mark Shwartz was out for an evening stroll when a gust of wind caused a branch to break from the trunk of a large oak tree, knocking Schwartz unconscious. When doctors determined Schwartz was comatose and potentially would not survive, Schwartz’s mother vowed to “keep him alive until he woke again.” Well, Darlene Schwartz’s hope and faith paid off when Mark Schwartz awoke from his 2-and-a-half-year slumber this past Thursday. Dr. Steve Jansen of Davenport Memorial Hospital told TOA on Friday that “It took Mr. Schwartz a few hours to speak coherently, but his mother was right there by his side helping him as he regained consciousness.”

The Offended American staff reached out to Darlene Schwartz this weekend to check-in on her son’s progress. Through a shaky voice and periodic sniffles, Mrs. Schwartz sadly reported to us that her son was, to our shock, once again comatose. When asked how this happened, Mrs. Schwartz, though shaken and distraught, was very descriptive and thorough. “Mark was so happy when he woke up, we hugged and he thanked the doctors for their hard work and patience. He then started asking for global updates. When I told him all of the details about the Covid pandemic he chuckled and asked why they shut down the world for a stronger version of the flu. I had no answer. When he asked why a grown man who can’t even throw a baseball to home plate was making all of the rules–I had no answer. He was visibly frustrated at the handling of the pandemic.” Mrs. Schwartz asked at this point if we could continue the interview later as she was still understandably shaken. When we picked back up with the interview, she continued with details about her and her son’s discussion– “When he asked about how the booming economy was doing under President Trump, I had to hold back tears. When I told him Joe Biden was elected in 2020, he started to hyperventilate and almost coded. Fortunately, the doctors calmed him down and we were able to return to our conversation. ‘But the economy is still holding strong, right?’ he asked me, I told him gas prices were better and have dropped to about $3.50 per gallon, and he immediately cut me off and asked me not to say anymore as he started to experience another hyperventilation episode.” 

At this point it was almost too much for Mrs. Schwartz to handle when speaking to us. She starting to breakdown into a sob as she described the following (READER DISCRETION ADVISED as this is graphic): “After I told him Nancy Pelosi was third in line to the presidency behind Kamala Harris Mark was visibly shaken,” she began through sobs of sadness, “And he said ‘Ma, I can’t handle it.’” She continued, “Then he asked to call and have a private conversation with his friend  Moe ‘Mallet Hands’ Stepniski, so I was happy to oblige his request. I had no idea why he wanted to see him, they weren’t very close, but within the hour Moe walked into Mark’s room, tipped his hat toward me.” Mrs. Schwartz was hardly able to speak to us at this point, but forged on. “He tipped his hat,” she continued, “and stood at Mark's bedside. Mark slowly sat up and shook Moe's hand and thanked him, then looked at me and told me he loved me, which I thought was strange, and then it happened. Moe clenched his fist as he rared his arm back and punched Mark across his left temple with blunt force. When he did that I jumped to my feet to run over and cradle Mark who lay unconscious. I screamed hateful things at Moe and he said ‘Mrs. Schwartz, he asked me to do it. We had a pact that we made when he saved my life back ‘07. I promised him I would do anything he ever needed and I wouldn’t question him. So when he called he said he couldn’t take the fact that Biden is President or that the midterm red wave was nothing more than a red trickle. He wanted to go back. He said he missed his coma. So I put him back, Mrs. S. He’s in a better place.’” Mrs. Schwartz began to regain her composure, “and so that’s where I find peace– knowing he’s back where he wanted to be. And if there is a God, may he bring my little Marky Mark back to better times when he gets out of this coma.”

Thanks for reading this heart-breaking story of love for friends, family, and country. Keep Mark in your prayers and don’t forget to follow The Offended American on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok! The Offended American, where today’s jokes are tomorrow’s news.