Man Shot In Head Dies From Climate Change

Sacramento, CA- After some bizarre circumstances in downtown Sacramento this weekend, an autopsy has revealed some answers to things we really never knew there were questions.

Last Friday night, two men walked into a local convenience store and demanded that the cashier give them all the money in the drawer. When the man refused, the would-be robbers pulled a gun and threatened the man’s life. Video footage from the convenience store shows the clerk behind the counter reaching below the register, pulling out a small handgun, and shooting one of the assailants in the face.

Before he could get a shot at the other man, he had already fled out the front door. When police arrived, they pronounced the injured robber dead at the scene. However, no one wanted to speculate the exact cause of death until an autopsy had been done. 

“We believed the man had been shot in the face and that this was the cause of death,” explained Sgt. Rick Glasgow of the Sacramento Police Department, “But Governor Newsom has implemented a new policy for any new death in the state. We now have a climate-change team that will inspect the body after the autopsy is completed, just to make sure that climate change was or was not involved in the death.”

Norm Chapman of the Death Investigation Climate Change Squad (DICCS) came forward yesterday with their findings. “It does indeed appear that the victim in this incident was not murdered by the firearm, but rather was murdered by the irresponsibility of his fellow citizens who drive gas-powered cars, don’t use solar panels, and drink out of plastic straws,” he continued, “This death was caused by climate change and there is no doubt about that. This case is closed.”

Many other liberal states are planning to follow suit, appointing DICCS to get in and really penetrate the cause of deaths across the country. President Joe Biden mentioned in an interview this week that “If this is what it takes to let people know how serious climate change is, then we need DICCS everywhere.”

What is your opinion? Do you think it’s necessary to have DICCS? Would you want DICCS to investigate your death? Sounds like DICCS aren’t afraid of getting deep and dirty in an investigation. Or do you not want DICCS jammed down your throat? Let us know what you think in the comments!