Fed Up With Humanity, Alex Jones Decides To Join Globalists

Austin, TX- Conspiracy-theory addict and anti-globalist Alex Jones is singing a very different tune this week. After almost 30 years of fighting the likes of Bill Gates, Henry Kissinger, and Klaus Schwab, Alex Jones has thrown in the towel and decided to join the globalists.

The move comes as a big surprise to many outspoken globalists, especially after the almost $1 billion dollar settlement Jones was required to pay to the relatives of the Sandy Hook school shooting. “We knew Alex was hurting for money so we took advantage of that,” explained professional nerd Bill Gates. “We know that if he’s on our side we can cover up anything we have planned in the future.” 

The producers of his Infowars radio show grew concerned earlier this week when Jones started to convulse, foam at the mouth, and violently vomit all over the microphone. We had a guest caller tell Alex that he was wrong when he claimed 9/11 was an inside job. After that, “He started shouting obscenities like ‘Global warming will kill us all!’ and ‘We need to vaccinate the world!’ as vomit continued to spew from his mouth,” said one of his long-time editors Paul Joseph Watson, “We knew something was up but we had no idea it would be this big.”

Other witnesses of the meltdown stated that Jones then got down on his hands and knees screaming ‘Spank me Mr. Bill, spank me hard!’, assuming he was referring to globalists and newfound confidant, Bill Gates. He then reportedly ‘appeared to gather himself’, find his chair, and tried to speak more calmly into the microphone. 

TOA was able to get our hands on the transcripts that followed: Jones stated, “I can’t take it anymore! I’ve been calling out the globalists for decades! But you people won’t listen! I tell you they’re trying to create a one world order, but you deny me! I tried to tell you that they were implanting chips into the Covid vaccines to control our brains, but you laughed at me! I’m fed up with it all and that really leaves me with one option…(long pause)...the only path left for me is to follow the one true path…the path that can bring me out of this hell you all have put me in…the path of the globalists! Bill Gates reached out to me and was a lot nicer than all you hypocrites! He said he wanted to test malaria vaccines on me and let me live in his pool house. I said ‘Why the hell not?!’ We’re even having a sleepover with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this weekend! We’re gonna eat pizza and drink soda and watch Michael Moore documentaries until the sun comes up!”

The rest of the transcript gets too vulgar and descriptive concerning his night with Bill Gates and Justin Trudeau so we will leave it there. Who would’ve guessed that Alex Jones would be so fed up that he would turn his allegiance to the globalists? We will continue to follow up on this story throughout the coming weeks.

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