FBI Announces Trump Hid Gifts In Stockings

Palm Beach, FL- “We got the son of a bitch” was a quote printed in headlines around the world yesterday after Attorney General Merrick Garland blurted it to the world. These words were spoken in celebration of the FBI’s latest raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-A-Lago home.

“We figured the third time was a charm!” FBI Director Chris Wray exclaimed with a gleeful smile, “Sometimes you just have to keep your nose to the grindstone if you want justice to be served.” The United States Federal Bureau of Investigation has raided the Trump home on multiple occasions but to no avail. “We knew that orange bastard was hiding something, and we weren't giving up until we found it!” Garland said, hiding a small, yet visible erection in his pants.

After over 30 agents from the FBI performed a failed raid on the ex-President’s home on August 8th, they then proceeded to sneak in once again around Halloween under the assumption Trump was going to hand out candy with razor blades hidden inside. “We never found the razor blades, but we know they were there,” Garland insisted, “He’s a sick bastard and I will not give in until he is behind bars.” 

The FBI’s latest raid came just days before Christmas, as the FBI had been tipped that Donald Trump was putting toys in his grandchildren’s stockings, and not allowing that to be done by Santa.

“This is true, “ Garland added, “We have photos to prove that Trump was hiding gifts for his grandchildren, pretending to be Santa Claus.” The FBI does not hold back when it comes to false impersonation. “Trump impersonated a President for 4 years, we will not allow him to impersonate the symbol of joy for children around the world this Christmas,” Garland continued, “In addition, we have top secret images of the President moving his grandchildren's Elf-On-The-Shelf, prior to putting the gifts in the children's stockings. We all know the elf will lose its magic if touched by human hands– just another of the many sick things this man has done.”

In a worldwide press release, the FBI has issued the following:

“We want to announce that Donald J. Trump, 45th president of the United States, has been taken into custody by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation for false impersonation. There are multiple other charges including tampering with a magic elf and jeopardizing Christmas for his family, and ultimately, the world. Citizens of the United States can rest easy this Christmas knowing Donald Trump will likely be put away for a very long time.”

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