Clintons Concerned As No One Has Mysteriously Committed Suicide Lately

Chappaqua, New York- Things have been mysteriously quiet lately concerning Bill and Hillary Clinton’s network of pedophiles, business associates, and former cabinet members. Even the Clintons themselves are a little uneasy about the lack of mysterious deaths and suicides in recent months.

“Death, especially by suicide, is not ever something you want to see or hear about,” Mrs. Clinton explained, “But it is something that needs to happen every so often just to keep everyone in check.” There are many speculations as to what Mrs. Clinton meant by this fairly blatant statement. Some actually believe that Mrs. Clinton was admitting to setting up “suicides” on people such as Jeffrey Epstein.

However, she backtracked slightly following her statements, stating, “These accusations have been brought up to Bill and me many times over the years, and they’re just not true. What I meant by my statement was that people need to be reminded that life is fragile and death is just a reminder of how fragile life is.” 

The Offended American staff even caught up with former President Clinton to get clarification of his wife’s comments, but he didn’t help their case much, “Hillary and I are bothered by these deaths just as much as anyone,” he claimed, “And we expected to hear about some more recently, with all the stuff surrounding the Ghislaine Maxwell verdict, but we didn’t and that’s concerning.” The former President even went so far as to point out specific people (other than the aforementioned Maxwell) that he thought would be dead by now.

“Donald Trump and Prince Andrew were up on our, ahem, excuse me, THE list for sure, I mean, I would assume,” the President said, stumbling over his words, “I mean, I think they were linked to the situation.” When asked to clarify why he and his wife were concerned about the lack of deaths, the former President simply said, “Well, you just never know what stories those sick bastards are going to make up. They could just come up with some crazy, outlandish story about Hillary and myself being involved or something. Could you imagine?!” the President ended with a chuckle.

I think it’s safe to say that we can all agree that the Clintons are pretty terrible people and this interview with them does nothing but fan the flames of guilt toward them. What are your thoughts? Tell us in the comments how many people you think the Clintons have murdered and will likely murder in the future.