Clinton Associate Lives To Ripe Old Age

Washington, D.C.- In shocking fashion, we have been informed by insiders from Washington, D.C. that a longtime Clinton associate has reached the age of 68, something no colleague of theirs has done before.

Little known associate and longtime friend of Bill Clinton’s, Donny Derwin, celebrated his 68th birthday this past weekend. “Bill and I go all the way back to Hot Springs High School in Arkansas!” Derwin exclaimed, “He was a bit older than me but I sold him dope and other stuff so we just always kind of kept in touch.” 

After doing a little digging our staff discovered that Derwin was actually part of Clinton's White House janitorial staff when he was in office and was the one responsible for taking Monica Lewinsky’s famous dress to the dry cleaners to get any stains removed. 

“When I realized the stain was never removed I thought that was the end for me,” Derwin explained with a concerned look, “I knew I'd lose my job, and quite possibly my life.” However, Derwin told our staff that his life was spared due to the fact that Bill Clinton still owed him an overwhelming amount of money for drugs that Derwin sold him when Clinton was in college.

We are very happy to report that Donny Derwin spent the weekend celebrating with his family, “We hit up the local Applebee’s and played miniature golf,” he explained with a grin.

UPDATE We are very saddened to announce that after becoming the oldest living Clinton associate Donny Derwin died tragically in his sleep when it was discovered that he had accidentally put anthrax in his own CPAP machine. RIP Donny.