Broke: Kaepernick Returns To San Francisco To Collect Reparations

San Francisco, CA- The world has thankfully heard very little from Colin Kaepernick lately– until late last week. Kaepernick had reportedly been seen in a few random cities across the Southwest United States lately, but it had not been confirmed. He hasn’t had contact with his parents since 2017 when he decided every white person is a racist, so they were unaware of his whereabouts.

After Nike signed him to a new contract after Kaepernick left football around 2017, Kaepernick did one commercial and then apparently spent all of his money before disappearing. “Yeah, we were really excited to have him on board with Nike so that we could make a bunch of money off of social justice and racism,” a spokesman from Nike told our staff, “But then he would never return our calls and became very flighty.” 

Kaepernick has been known to be a very self-indulgent person according to longtime friends and family. “Colin and I were childhood friends and he would always call me a cracker and take all the money out of my piggy bank,” Jeff Traeger told us last week, “So I was not surprised when he started all of his protesting in the NFL.”

It appears as though Kaepernick has gotten a little further off track than people had originally thought, however, as he was discovered hungover and slightly disheveled in the back of a Toyota Prius on the outskirts of the Las Vegas strip. “It was a car that matched plates registered to Mr. Kaepernick in California,” said Vegas deputy John Miller, “We put him into detox and sent him on his way.”

According to reports Kapernick told reporters at the Las Vegas police station that he was on a “non-stop trip back to Cali to collect reparations,” with his fist in the air.

We will likely not keep you updated with developments as we would like to never mention Colin Kaepernick’s name from this day forward.