Aliens Slam Miss Universe Pageant For Lack Of Inclusivity

Houston, TX- NASA scientists have spent the last 2 weeks decoding the first real contact received from extraterrestrial life to us here on Earth. Earlier this month NASA leaked information that they had received very cryptic sound waves from the Kepler-186 system in the Constellation Cygnus. The news spread quickly around the globe leaving everyone from YouTube space nerds to Elon Musk speculating what the messages could contain.

Many have speculated that it could be some sort of instructions for building a time traveling device. Others have speculated it is a warning of impending doom for our species. The decoding experts at NASA, Space-X, and branches of the U.S. Government began working around-the-clock over 2 weeks ago. Faster than originally expected, the announcement came yesterday that the message had indeed been fully decrypted. The Offended American is proud to be one of the first outlets to bring you this historical message. It reads as follows:

Humans of Earth.

We are Keplarians from the Keplar system in Cygnus. We are contacting you today to get something off our chest. We have been really cool about this dating all the way back to the very first Miss Universe pageant in 1952, yet year after year the hurt, heartache, and sheer rudeness of you humans cuts us deep. We may not have hair, ears, or visible genitals but the fact that we are not even included in any “universal” beauty competitions is just flat out hurtful. The last Miss Universe winner didn’t even have a very good personality. We have some women here on Kepler-186f that would’ve blown her away in the talent portion too. Can your current Miss Universe levitate? Doubtful. Can she use telepathy to communicate sexual things to her partner? And I’m talking dirty stuff here. I bet not. Can she convert metal into liquid form by simply touching it? Not a chance. So, humans of Earth, let this be a warning to you! We aren’t going to hurt you or anything, but just, like, maybe try to include those of us out here in the universe when you have your “universe” pageants, okay? And tell Elon we said hi and we miss him.

Needless to say, I don’t believe this was anything like what the world was expecting to hear as the first ever communication from extraterrestrial life. However, when beings get their feelings hurt, they’ll go beyond the ends of their Earth to let you know about it.

Stay Tuned to TOA for updates.